Janie Louise

I walk up to a group of people, rapid fire of conversations are being tossed around from one person to another. I’m curious, what everyone is talking about. I stand there and listen, to shy to impose. It turns out the topic of the day is relationships, something I currently do not partake in nor have I in quite some time. 

As per usual the same questions get thrown in my face as is if a) its there right to know and b) as if its not personal so they can ask whatever they want. I say the same thing, the little spiel I have run through in my head over and over again. I’m not really interested in anyone, I’m happy just being me, who has time for a boyfriend, blah, blah, blah… 

But that’s not the truth is it? Not behind closed doors, not like the thoughts and feelings I keep hidden away in my tearful and anger filled times of self loathing and disgust. 

I almost don’t fake it this time, I almost say you know what I hate myself, I truly believe that no one will ever care for me in that matter, I’m not good enough, not worth the effort. I’m fat, ugly, boring and no boy is ever going to love me. 

And why would they, I don’t deserve it. No one wants someone like me, someone who needs constant reassurance that they’re good enough, that they’re worthy, that they’re not keeping their partner in some sort of trap.

That’s way too much pressure for someone, that’s why until I can learn to accept me for me I can’t be in a relationship. That’s the real reason, not because I don’t want it or because I don’t deserve it, but because I need to learn to love me before I can let myself love someone else.

So maybe next time when I’m asked about relationships and boys I might just be honest and say I’m still working on me, because when it all comes down to it I think that is the best answer I can and should give.